heavenly hearts, heavenlyhearts dating bride scam . Francois les reves ordre appartements Barcelone. ,.

Archive for the ‘Writing’ Category

Recipe for Homeopathic Chocolate Milk

Thursday, September 2nd, 2010

Ingredients:

  • 2-3 tblsp. Chocolate milk mix (e.g. Nesquik)
  • 1 large glass’ worth of milk
  • Access to running water

Instructions

  1. Add 2 tblsp. chocolate milk mix to drinking glass (3 if you’re using a larger glass).
  2. Add milk and stir.
  3. Place glass underneath tap faucet.
  4. Turn on tap. Leave for an hour.
  5. Return to find crystal-clear glass full of rich, delicious chocolate milk made the homeopathic way.

As well as being deliciously chocolaty, Homeopathic Chocolate Milk will also cure Diabetes types 1 and 2.

Enjoy!

Dinosaurs Direct

Friday, August 6th, 2010

A MARRIED COUPLE sit at a kitchen dining room table covered in pictures of dinosaurs – some of them printed with red letterhead. The couple look at the pictures. They’re stressed, tense.

Husband
Just look at all these dinosaurs.

Wife
There’s no way we can manage them all. What are we going to do?

Voiceover
Struggling to cope with all of those dinosaurs? Then call Dinosaurs Direct!

OVERLAY: image of a TRICERATOPS and a TOROSAURUS.

Voiceover (Cont.)
Our team of experts can consolidate your dinosaurs into one easy-to-manage species!

The TRICERATOPS and TOROSAURUS images slide into each other and blink into one TRICERATOPS.

The MARRIED COUPLE sit at the kitchen table. There is only one picture now – a TRICERATOPS. They look at the picture, happy, relieved.

Wife
Life’s so much simpler now we only have one dinosaur to worry about!

Husband
Yes, and we even have enough dinosaurs left over to take the kids on holiday!

Wife
What?

The “DINOSAURS DIRECT” logo quickly fades onto the screen.

Voiceover
Make YOUR dinosaurs easier to manage with Dinosaurs Direct. Call now!

Not Quite Life

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

I stopped writing my slice-o’-life webcomic before my artist had even drawn the first strip because, frankly, I found the entire thing boring to write. I couldn’t engage with the characters I’d created, which is perhaps problematic because the central character is basically me. The premise was semi-autobiographical, dealing with a young man who gets out of a serious relationship and tries to reconnect with his former best friend, someone his ex had tried to push out of his life. That happened, and I wanted to tell that story.

The problem is that I wanted to tell it three years ago. Now I feel like I’ve moved well beyond that point in my life, and revisiting it just to try and tell a not-quite-what-happened version of it for a webcomic doesn’t sit well, especially as I was trying to make it work in a gag-a-day format. So, no. Not interested. Pass.

This presents an additional problem – I want to work on a gag-a-day comic again. Fried ended in 2006 when, after three years, I realized I was bored with it. Jump Leads exceeded Fried‘s lifespan at the start of this month, not just in duration but in quantity. Jump Leads remains fresh because by its nature it has to. We’re never in the same universe for more than a few months. It keeps things interesting.

But in a weird sort-of way I want to do something a little more grounded, with characters I can drop into random scenarios and just have fun with. I think I’ve come up with a concept that is grounded enough to work as a gag-a-day, but quirky enough to keep me interested. And funnily enough, it’s based on a short film I wrote back in 2007.

Last night, for the first time in three years, I sat down to sketch characters. I don’t know if I’ll be doing anything with those sketches – I’m no artist, by any stretch – but that’s also how Jump Leads started way back in 2006. I’d like to take that as a Good Sign.

Artist wanted for brand new webcomic project

Monday, March 29th, 2010

I’ve finally decided to move ahead with my next webcomic project. Don’t worry, Jump Leads isn’t going anywhere, and I’m not trying to “replace” JjAR. With his commitments to Jump Leads and to Marvel’s publishers in Russia the last thing I want to do is stretch his time any thinner than it is right now. So with that in mind, I’m looking for an artist to help me bring this new project to life.

The plan is to produce a thrice-weekly (or daily, time-permitting) three- or four-panel comic. The subject matter is going to be decidedly more down to Earth than my previous projects, dealing with friendship in a unique and (hopefully!) funny way. I have characters and a story in mind, although this new project is going to be much less continuity-heavy than Jump Leads and will focus on being more of a gag-a-day strip.

If you’re at all interested this project, drop me a line and I’ll give you more details.

Why is Videogame Journalism full of Morons?

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

Videogame journalism has been in a decline for the last two decades now. In the early 90s magazines were giving average games a 7 out of 10 score instead of the more obvious 5, purely to appease developers and publishers, and to ensure they continued to get review copies of the latest games. Incredulous and deceitful, but at least it served a purpose.

Now, in the 21st century, we’re getting all kinds of articles popping up on gaming blogs that, in all honestly, really shouldn’t be there.

When Juno came out in 2007, a rep at Fox came out in early 2008 and said something to the effect of her job being finding ways of expanding brands, for example by developing videogames based upon them, and she cited Juno as an example of a successful film that could go down that path. Every gaming blog I subscribed to lept upon this as clear evidence that a Juno videogame was in the works! Perhaps the worst offender out there was Gawker-owned gaming blog Kotaku, who a few days later posted an article stating the bloody obvious – the game wasn’t really under development, and an innocent comment had been taken out of context.

Don’t go looking for the article where Kotaku excitedly and terrifyingly reveal that Juno: The Game is under development. You won’t find it – they’ve long since deleted it. However a quick Google for “juno video game” reveals that there are plenty of articles on the subject written by other gaming blogs and news sites just as trigger-happy as, but perhaps a little more honest than, Kotaku are.

This morning Kotaku are once again guilty of getting all in a panic over something stupid. A recent post on the gaming blog put forth the question: With Halo Reach coming out this year and the game planning to offer a new multiplayer experience, will the Halo 3 servers be shutting down? The conclusion that they came to: No. Of course the answer is no. That’s not a question that requires you to get any clock cycles going in the brain. But for some reason the writer felt it necessary to contact someone at Bungie to find out.

That may be the single most retarded question I’ve ever seen posed on a gaming website. Halo is a huge franchise. There are people who are still playing the first one, for Glod’s sake. The Halo 2 servers are due to be closed this month but only because Xbox Live support for original Xbox games is being shut down. Hell, even smaller franchises like Worms have kept their servers up and running for older titles – the Worms 2 server has been going since 1997 and it’s still up and running, as are all the servers for every Worms game released since. Asking if the servers for an insanely popular game are going to be shut down two and a half years after the game was first released (and six months after a standalone expansion for the game was released) just because a new entry in the series is coming out is bloody stupid, and I can’t help but wonder exactly what was going through the mind of Brian Crecente, the writer of the entry, when he felt the need to not only pose the question but to research something with such a mind-meltingly obvious answer.

(It should be pointed out that Gawker Media’s blogs aren’t exactly beacons of fact. Last year io9 reported that Neil Gaiman was definitely writing an episode of Doctor Who for the show’s fifth series, and what’s more they knew the title and plot as well. That entry can be found here, although they removed the reference to the title and story in the wake of the denial Neil Gaiman issued shortly after io9 posted the news.)

Why is videogame journalism in such a turgid state? Why are the so-called journalists who write about the industry wasting so much time and energy asking questions that don’t need to be asked, and reporting news that isn’t really news? One could argue that this is the state of journalism as a whole, but I don’t think that’s the answer. Despite how seriously magazines like EDGE and websites like GamesIndustry.biz try to make themselves appear to be, the truth is that videogame journalism never broke out of its infancy. It’s filled with people writing what they think they know instead of actually doing the research. It’s filled with people raising concerns and asking questions about things that everybody already knows the answers to. It’s filled with people getting excited about a game one moment and then forgetting about it in the next. Gaming journalism has a lot of things, but an interest in games and a passion for the medium isn’t one of them.

And that’s a real shame.

Incompetent Love

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

I started the year by re-reading Rob Grant’s “Incompetence” which, as a side-project, I’m adapting into a screenplay. I’ve already started typing up the dialogue for individual scenes but I’ve yet to sew anything together. I’m also trying to work out how to reorder the story – the prologue, for instance, happens between chapters four and five – and how to work the first-person perspective. Do I go for the typical Film Noiresque voiceover approach, or have Harry Salt talk directly to the camera, to the audience High Fidelity style?

That’s not all, though – with my friend Rene Engström having recently wrapped up her webcomic, Anders Loves Maria, I mentioned on Twitter that I’d been fighting the desire over the last few days to adapt the story into a screenplay. And Rene, Glod bless the poor misguided fool, has given me her blessing. Yikes! I’ve already started making notes! Iv’e got two adaptations on the go at once, not to mention two Jump Leads scripts on the go and a website redesign in the works!

Considering current events in my personal life, I welcome the distraction. I need it. It’s either work on stuff like this, or waste my day playing Star Trek Online, and that’s something I can easily do at night, when most of civilized society (well, most of American society at least) are asleep. If you play STO, come find me online – Paddon@Squirminator2k.

Anyway, sigh and lament. I’m off to bed. Far too late, as usual.

1. EXT. FLURRY – DAY

Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

So after months of work, the script for Jump Leads #10: The Voyage Home is more or less finished. It probably still need a little polishing, but the first collaboration between all four of the Jump Leads writers has been finished. The first Jump Leads script to have more than one writer work on it. The first… oh, I can do this all day. The point is that this script is done, and I feel like a weight has been taken off of my shoulders. This is the absolute closest we’ve come to the wire. Usually the next two or three stories have already been written up by the time the issue you’re reading is on the website, but as I mentioned at the end of last year, I decided to throw out the next two years’ worth of scripts to take the story in a new direction.

With this script finished, and all the loose ends tied up together, I can’t wait to begin work on #11 (although considering we have a habit of slotting in four-page stories between the major ones, #10 may become #11, and #11 may become #13). It’s called Deus Ex Litterae. You know it’s going to be a good one because the title is in Latin.

I also had an idea for a film a couple of nights ago – for a romantic comedy, no less – but I’ll probably start work on that next week. I’ve not been very productive the last few days, as my wonderful girlfriend Helen is going to be flying back to Ohio on Saturday and will be staying there indefinitely. My current plan: Find a day job, earn enough to rent a place, and bring her home.

Revealing my Incompetence

Saturday, December 19th, 2009

If you’ve known me for any length of time, you’ll know that one of my favourite novels is Incompetence by the incredibly funny Rob Grant (perhaps best known, much to his chagrin, as the co-creator of Red Dwarf). It’s a superb book – part crime thriller, part gut-busting comedy, part social commentary. I usually make a point of trying to read it at least once a year.

For a while now I’ve had the urge to adapt the novel into a screenplay, just for my own amusement. I’ve never done an adaptation before, and I feel the story in Incompetence would lend itself well to a feature film adaptation. So my project for January is to get a first draft of Incompetence: The Movie: The Screenplay knocked out.

Wish me luck.

Jumping Ahead

Sunday, December 6th, 2009

I will confess to you – about a year ago, I began to lose interest in writing Jump Leads. I was having severe difficulties coming up with stories that interested me. That’s the most important thing at the end of the day, and if I’m not satisfied with a story why the Hell will anyone else be? Dozens of scripts were started, dozens of scripts were shelved.

A few months later, I hit upon a way of revitalizing my interest in the story by giving Meaney and Llewellyn some direction. I won’t spoil anything for you, but over the last few months Eugene, Euan, Andrew, Paul and I have been working on the direction the comic is going to take, and in doing so we’ve actually scrapped about two years’ worth of future scripts, finished or otherwise, to make these changes.

We have a story arc, spreading out over about six issues in total. We’ve more or less got an idea of where it’s heading although we still need to join the dots. What’s more, I know where it’s going once that arc is finished.

It’s a remarkable feeling, knowing where your story is going. I must confess that when Jump Leads first started I had only the vaguest of ideas of what I wanted to do with it. The concept has a formula and a loose structure but it’s difficult to write for, and now we’ve worked together on giving it something to work towards I feel completely revitalized. These are decisions I wouldn’t have made a or two ago, but as I become more confident in myself as a writer I feel more prepared to take risks, and more capable of pulling them off successfully.

Gentlemen, to the future. …Oh, you don’t have glasses. Well, just pretend.

On A Seven-Day Diary

Sunday, November 22nd, 2009

This is without a doubt my favourite poem of all time. It’s called “On A Seven-Day Diary” by Alan Dugan.

Oh I got up and went to work
and worked and came back home
and ate and talked and went to sleep.
Then I got up and went to work
and worked and came back home
from work and ate and slept.
Then I got up and went to work
and worked and came back home
and ate and watched a show and slept.
Then I got up and went to work
and worked and came back home
and ate steak and went to sleep.
Then I got up and went to work
and worked and came back home
and ate and fucked and went to sleep.
Then it was Saturday, Saturday, Saturday!
Love must be the reason for the week!
We went shopping! I saw clouds!
The children explained everything!
I could talk about the main thing!
What did I drink on Saturday night
that lost the first, best half of Sunday?
The last half wasn’t worth this “word.”
Then I got up and went to work
and worked and came back home
from work and ate and went to sleep,
refreshed but tired by the weekend.

This poem epitomizes exactly the sort of life I have sought to avoid. The grind, the chore of merely existing as opposed to the joy of living. It’s one of the reasons I left the UK and came looking for something better in the United States.

It’s also probably one of the reasons I’m presently unemployed. Bugger.

As an aside, I wish I could write poetry like this. I which I could make words flow like liquid half as well as Dugan could.

?>