Ingredients:

• 2-3 tblsp. Chocolate milk mix (e.g. Nesquik)
• 1 large glass’ worth of milk
• Access to running water

Instructions

1. Add 2 tblsp. chocolate milk mix to drinking glass (3 if you’re using a larger glass).
2. Add milk and stir.
3. Place glass underneath tap faucet.
4. Turn on tap. Leave for an hour.
5. Return to find crystal-clear glass full of rich, delicious chocolate milk made the homeopathic way.

As well as being deliciously chocolaty, Homeopathic Chocolate Milk will also cure Diabetes types 1 and 2.

Enjoy!

A MARRIED COUPLE sit at a kitchen dining room table covered in pictures of dinosaurs – some of them printed with red letterhead. The couple look at the pictures. They’re stressed, tense.

Husband
Just look at all these dinosaurs.

Wife
There’s no way we can manage them all. What are we going to do?

Voiceover
Struggling to cope with all of those dinosaurs? Then call Dinosaurs Direct!

OVERLAY: image of a TRICERATOPS and a TOROSAURUS.

Voiceover (Cont.)
Our team of experts can consolidate your dinosaurs into one easy-to-manage species!

The TRICERATOPS and TOROSAURUS images slide into each other and blink into one TRICERATOPS.

The MARRIED COUPLE sit at the kitchen table. There is only one picture now – a TRICERATOPS. They look at the picture, happy, relieved.

Wife
Life’s so much simpler now we only have one dinosaur to worry about!

Husband
Yes, and we even have enough dinosaurs left over to take the kids on holiday!

Wife
What?

The “DINOSAURS DIRECT” logo quickly fades onto the screen.

Voiceover
Make YOUR dinosaurs easier to manage with Dinosaurs Direct. Call now!

I stopped writing my slice-o’-life webcomic before my artist had even drawn the first strip because, frankly, I found the entire thing boring to write. I couldn’t engage with the characters I’d created, which is perhaps problematic because the central character is basically me. The premise was semi-autobiographical, dealing with a young man who gets out of a serious relationship and tries to reconnect with his former best friend, someone his ex had tried to push out of his life. That happened, and I wanted to tell that story.

The problem is that I wanted to tell it three years ago. Now I feel like I’ve moved well beyond that point in my life, and revisiting it just to try and tell a not-quite-what-happened version of it for a webcomic doesn’t sit well, especially as I was trying to make it work in a gag-a-day format. So, no. Not interested. Pass.

This presents an additional problem – I want to work on a gag-a-day comic again. Fried ended in 2006 when, after three years, I realized I was bored with it. Jump Leads exceeded Fried‘s lifespan at the start of this month, not just in duration but in quantity. Jump Leads remains fresh because by its nature it has to. We’re never in the same universe for more than a few months. It keeps things interesting.

But in a weird sort-of way I want to do something a little more grounded, with characters I can drop into random scenarios and just have fun with. I think I’ve come up with a concept that is grounded enough to work as a gag-a-day, but quirky enough to keep me interested. And funnily enough, it’s based on a short film I wrote back in 2007.

Last night, for the first time in three years, I sat down to sketch characters. I don’t know if I’ll be doing anything with those sketches – I’m no artist, by any stretch – but that’s also how Jump Leads started way back in 2006. I’d like to take that as a Good Sign.

Tonight I dragged my Dad down into deepest darkest Los Angeles to the Galen Center where we watched a bunch of people in tights dance around trying to sell us Microsoft’s latest toy, the controllerless motion controller Kinect for the Xbox 360. I was expecting a bit less pitch and a bit more Cirque Du Soleil, but what we got was pretty well balanced for the most part. It was an entertaining night that importantly didn’t actually cost us anything. But what did we take away from the event?

Well to start with, there was my Dad’s attitude (and please don’t mistake that for the negative meaning of the word). He walked away from the event with tears in his eyes. he was very clearly moved by a lot of the imagery and the performance pieces, what few there were, of the evening, and for one brief moment – the appearance of an apparently in-game lightsaber duel with Darth Vader, no less – he actually considered buying a 360 with Kinect.

They’ve done it, I thought at that moment. Microsoft have won.

That changed, however, on the walk to the bus stop. I was talking to my Dad and asking him what he thought about the pitch, and his stance was clear – there wasn’t any point in him buying a 360 with Kinect, he told me. After all, he already has a Wii.

I withdraw Microsoft’s victory.

This is the sort of person both Microsoft and Sony has to impress and ultimately win over – the older, more casual gamer who probably owns a Wii and nothing else. Who uses the Wii for Wii Sports and maybe a few other games like Mario Party 8 or, in moments of lapsing sobriety, WarioWare: Smooth Moves. This sort of person may not really be impressed by Kinect or the PlayStation Move. They’ve seen it already, as far as they’re concerned. They’ve already played bowling with their TV. They’ve probably already done the archery thing. This “revolutionary new way” to play games is not, to my Dad and potentially millions of others like him, particularly revolutionary.

The only thing that appealed to my Dad on the journey home was the HD element, and even then he couldn’t see paying $300 just to play the games he already has on his Wii in higher definition. Besides, he’s already rather happy with the way his TV upscales the Wii.

As for me? Well, I wasn’t sold on Microsoft’s glorified EyeToy before and I’m still not entirely convinced. I’m more likely to buy the PlayStation Move if I buy either option, largely because whether I’m moving around or not I like to feel a controller in my head. But then I’m probably not even going to get Move for a while.

After all, I already have a Wii.

Below is a still from a Palm commercial that’s been running during the ad breaks on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart as it appears when viewed on their website. In the commercial a young, attractive woman walks down the street while playing with various features of her Palm phone, the display of the phone hovering in front of her in a sort-of pseudo-3D sort of way.

See if you can figure out what’s wrong with this image. It might be difficult to spot (it’s not a great quality still) but when you see it you’ll… well, you’ll see it.

Click to embiggen

The entire commercial is like that.

Looks like someone on Mars US’s marketing team decided to steal from Mars UK’s marketing team. In the UK, the slogan “A Lighter Way to Enjoy Chocolate” is used for Maltesers, the nicer British equivalent of Whoppers. Oddly, this Three Musketeers bar looks to have more in common with the British Kit Kat Senses bar.

There have been a number of articles over the last year or so telling us what we shouldn’t be tweeting about. Pretty much everyone I know has seen this “article” on The Oatmeal, and there are a number of other articles on the subject. You don’t want to know what I had for breakfast? You’re not interested in my day-to-day ramblings, or what’s going on in my life?

Well then here’s a question for you: Why the fuck are you following me on Twitter?

By choosing to follow someone on Twitter you’re effectively saying, “I want to know what is going through this person’s head at any given moment.” If you’re following me, I can only assume you have some kind of interest in me, or my work, or what I get up to in my free time. Is that an excuse for me to post any old random shit, or an invitation to push said shit onto your phone? No, of course it bloody isn’t. But if you’re following me to find out when Jump Leads updates and instead find yourself having to endure tweets about the latest episode of Doctor Who or my musings on the future, why continue following me? Why continue to follow anyone on Twitter who is actively tweeting things you have no interest in?

And yet people with this sort of attitude instead find themselves tweeting complaints about the person they’re following. Why don’t you just save yourself the effort and just unfollow the person? Depending on whether you’re using a Twitter client, it can take anywhere between one and four clicks to stop following someone. Surely that’s much less effort than typing some passive-aggressive tweet about your disinterest in my socks.

So fuck you, “Don’t Tweet About This” article writers. I’m going to tweet about my lunch. I’m going to tweet about my vacations. I’m going to tweet about writing, and hanging out, and the events I go to, and emotional breakthroughs. Is it self-indulgent? Yes. But self-indulgence is the very core of what Twitter is.

If you don’t like it, you know where to find the unfollow button.

A while ago I started posting about incompetent videogame journalism over on this Tumblr page instead of littering what is supposed to be a writing blog with posts about how crap Kotaku are. Actually it’s not supposed to be just Kotaku, but they are currently the main offenders. I’ve been scouring various gaming news sites every morning for the past month or so and some of the dumb things gaming journalists do continue to astound me. between this and But, Sir… I think I’ll probably end up dying of stress, aged 27, slumped over a keyboard with the message “What the fuck is wrong with humanity?!” typed on the screen over and over and over again.

Tumblr has been remarkably popular. Everybody loves how easy it is to share their stuff, and so I figured I’d break away from WordPress for this project to give it a go. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve found Tumblr to be the clunkiest, slowest, most horrible-to-use web content creation/management tool I’ve ever used. It regularly decides to drop URLs from my posts meaning I have to go in and edit them, and that’s assuming it’s decided to actually save the post I was just working on. It’s been a constant source of frustration and low-level swearing, and earlier this morning I was actually prepared to leave it entirely and shift back to WordPress. But I’m going to give it another go – it’s entirely possible it just doesn’t get along with Google Chrome, my browser of choice – and hopefully we won’t end up killing each other.

Anyway, “Game Journalists Are Incompetent Fuckwits“. Read it, love it, become slowly embittered.

That’s pretty much it. Rather than spend $3 or £2 on getting me a birthday card, why not donate that money to Child’s Play? They do an annual drive that starts around September, but they are always accepting donations. So send them a donation, and send me an email or a Facebook message instead.

I’ve finally decided to move ahead with my next webcomic project. Don’t worry, Jump Leads isn’t going anywhere, and I’m not trying to “replace” JjAR. With his commitments to Jump Leads and to Marvel’s publishers in Russia the last thing I want to do is stretch his time any thinner than it is right now. So with that in mind, I’m looking for an artist to help me bring this new project to life.

The plan is to produce a thrice-weekly (or daily, time-permitting) three- or four-panel comic. The subject matter is going to be decidedly more down to Earth than my previous projects, dealing with friendship in a unique and (hopefully!) funny way. I have characters and a story in mind, although this new project is going to be much less continuity-heavy than Jump Leads and will focus on being more of a gag-a-day strip.

If you’re at all interested this project, drop me a line and I’ll give you more details.